At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
You Might Also Like
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat