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Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
A friend sent me this.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.