I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
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Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
and this one
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.