No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
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Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight