We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
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Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.