Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
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Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
“our sushi is very fresh”
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag