[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
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Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
bury ourselves
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*