Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
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“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Customize Your Wedding.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.