Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
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Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
☺️
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?