me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
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I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car