I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
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Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
john wicks are toilet candles
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus