You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
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A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
The Compass
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
I just tested negative for patience.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go