My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
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About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup