My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
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When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.