POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
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People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Salad is the decaf of food.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want