Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
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When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread