Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
You Might Also Like
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’