It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
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The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Wedding planning is organized crime.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library