My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
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It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”