the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
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Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
*exercises sarcastically*
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup