ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
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having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
December birthdays be like…
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
absolutely not
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed