When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
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ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.