I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
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Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
I need better friends
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.