Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
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*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.