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therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house