[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
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[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people