My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
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I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.