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[s茅ance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
this is the greatest thing ever
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
HER: what鈥檚 your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she鈥檚 already an angel and 2) she鈥檚 going to climb up there anyway
I鈥檝e been buying men鈥檚 hoodies for years for myself. It鈥檚 all about skipping the middle man.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
I can never tell if a woman鈥檚 smiling at me because she鈥檚 interested or if it鈥檚 just my hot dog costume
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where鈥檚 my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Broke my New Year鈥檚 resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight