walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
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Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.