[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
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If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”