*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
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10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?