Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
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*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.