If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
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MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.