ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
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Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”