To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
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I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.