learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
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Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake