I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
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WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.