When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
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ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.