Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
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Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”