Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
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her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen