Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
You Might Also Like
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
What do you hear?
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
How times have changed.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.