[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
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My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”