Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
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He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go