[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
You Might Also Like
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.