OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
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When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
still the best tweet of the year by far