Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
You Might Also Like
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
I put the p in pants.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK