If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
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*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
SF is the wild wild west man
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day