(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
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Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.