It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
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*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head