This is sending me to another galaxy
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7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me